Just a couple...

We can't really remember the context of this one but we seem to think it must be something to do with "vegetarian vampires" as it was at a Twilight party.
"Aye, bu if you eat poisoned cheese so that someone else doesn't die it doesn't mean you don't have to pee."

I think he's just stupid. Like he's a retarded cat.

Hello Tara Reid. Who's just...Shite! She is just shite. She is!

*watching a program about celebrity arrests*
Domestic battery is just not cool anymore, everyone's getting arrested for it!

...and then Coke came out of my nose!

That was an example of me being truly classy over dinner last week. In a pub. Full of people. It was delightful.

It's been a while so here's what I've saved up for you!

Do you want some inspirational music? Cos I don't have any...

(on the depressing music, in a pub close to Edinburgh uni halls)
What is this? The Edinburgh University Suicide Association?

(on Galinda changing her name ine Wicked and then appearing as the good withch in the Wizard of Oz)
Glinda is a sell-out whore!

(on the music)
I have issues with not knowing who's singing.

I need a straw!

I swallowed, and it didn't come out of my nose this time!

(on a story)
Is that it? I was expecting there to be more, and there was none.

After about half an hour of hysterical laughter and giggles we found it hilarious that a woman leaving the pub started laughing...

(on Ali keeping James Corden and Patrick Stumph in her pockets as they're so cute)
Can I live in your pocket too?
No! There will be no fornicating in my pockets! Just think of the mess!

You can't shape-shift into something that doesn't exist. That's just retarded. (Because shape-shifting into things that do exist is the epitome of intelligence.)